I am finding that cigarettes are very difficult to quit. The problem isn't physical addiction (I am using the patch) but the fact that apparently I love to have a flaming tube of tobacco leaves to inhale into my lungs & exhale. I can see co-workers smoke, but god forbid I see some tool smoke on TV and I crave a smog. The PHYSICAL ACT of smoking is stronger than the physical addiction.
Another (known) side effect is my incredible appetite. Besides the smoking thing, I recently greatly reduced my Vodka intake to near zero & am sticking with beer. So, I have discovered that the no vodka/smoking program greatly leads to an insatiable appetite. I am getting fatter quicker than I thought, but good news is that since I don't smoke, I can exercise with out having smoke breaks! That's a win. Another "side effect" is that while you can spend $30 on vodka and drink (almost to excess) for a week, buying beer for social drinking standards is A LOT MORE EXPENSIVE per week. And fattening.
Well, I guess the positives outweigh the negatives. Better overall health is better than smoking & drinking too much Vitamin V. Spending more $ on beer is better than drinking too much hard liquor, health wise. And $25 worth of nicotine patches per week is cheaper than $60 worth of cigarettes per week, and healthier. I am gaining weight, which every person (women esp.) think I need, and I do. I can breathe better, and I sleep better, which leads me to be able to exercise - and I haven't been able to in 9 months - and that's good too.
I hate for this to sound like a mid-life crisis, but I gotta tell the truth: I HONESTLY thought I was gonna be dead 10-15 years ago, and I guess I decided to party & abuse drugs & my body to prove myself right. Well, fast forward to 2009, and I am a 44 year old man, and I am not dead, and I have to suck up that young man's rebellion & admit I WANT TO BE ALIVE, AND LIVE A LONGER LIFE. So, now I gotta quit smoking, drinking as much as I used to, eat better, exercise and try to have a better quality of life. My 30 year old self is spinning in his rebellious-ass grave, but I have better perspective on life. And the names Rylee, Deven & Jameson add credence to that. Even Liz & Annie still. Shit even the "old" family Scott & Kelly. Let's not forget Mom & Dad too.
I guess I am saying that is sucks to realize that you actually have loved ones to stick around for, and that you can't just live for yourself. Now, at 44, I have to be responsible. Not just for my self-serving interests, but for R & J & D. And that's self-serving, because I WANT TO BE AROUND THOSE BEAUTIFUL KIDS.
Suddenly, selfish doesn't feel so selfish.
SIGH. Growing up, getting older and gaining wisdom. Very rewarding. But having to have something beyond self-centered ideals, responsibility sucks. I can't be selfish.
Be well. Love your family. Be selfish. This weekend, tell everyone in your family & your close friends that you love them. You will feel good. And so will they.
"Peace & Love. Peace & Love"
BJ aka thetypeman