Monday, September 14, 2009

A Lapse

Ok, I felt I had to talk about my lapse in judgement tonight.

I was so amped up for the Pats game tonight. ALL NIGHT LONG I craved a cigarette: The adrenaline, the beers, the "party" mood.

Pats won dramatically. In a great mood. Cooking a steak and ready to eat. Then I dropped the fucking steak on the floor.

It probably is fine, I picked it up & washed it off, but my germ-phobia skeeved me out so badly I don't think I can eat it. Plus I washed off the spices and olive oil. So I went and bought a pack of smogs.

I smoked one on the way home and am smoking one now. Believe me, I am extremely unhappy. One emotional night and I fucked my shit up. I am also very angry and disappointed with myself.

So, what now? I stub this nasty thing out, salvage my dinner, eat it with a couples beers and 2 shots of Jager, and go to bed.

BUT...I fucked up. I know I should be a lot easier on myself, but I am disappointed with my lack of will power.

I know anyone who reads this will "forgive" me, but the hard part is forgiving myself. Being hard on yourself is a really hard thing, makes you doubt yourself and your will. But I hope I can get over it.

Now I gotta go salvage a steak..

"Peace & Love. PEACE & LOVE" (Ringo)

BJ aka the typeman

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